One of the most common and painful dynamics in relationships impacted by abuse is the belief that change is possible if you just try harder, stay longer, or love someone in the right way.
This can show up in romantic relationships, but also in families and close friendships. A partner may believe they can help someone stop being hurtful. In families, a parent or sibling may believe their close bond gives them a special ability to reach someone others cannot. That hope is understandable. When you care about someone, it is natural to want things to get better and to believe you can make a difference.
When survivors internalize the idea that they can change their abusive partner, this also reinforces feelings of survivor shame. Ultimately, they are holding themselves to an expectation that cannot be fulfilled, nor is it their responsibility. This, however, is also a survivor mechanism. By redirecting the responsibility of abusive behavior back on to themselves, it pulls them away from their reality. 
Pop culture often reinforces this idea. For example, Taylor Swift’s song I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) explores the perspective of someone who believes that love, patience, or persistence can change someone’s behavior. At the end of the song, the lyric “woah maybe I can’t” reflects the realization that love alone is not enough to change someone.
It’s important to remember that abusive relationships are never black and white. To provide full empathy to the survivors we serve, we also must honor that survivors may have genuine love and care for their abusers, coexisting with fear. The mentality that survivors can change their abuser is not coming from a place of delusion, but rather grief for the person they fell in love with, or for the expectations they had for their relationship.
In relationships where abuse is present, this can become complicated. Survivors may wait for promises to stick, take apologies as proof of change, or keep hoping things will improve. Family members may also step in repeatedly to try to mediate or protect someone they love. Alongside this hope, many people feel guilt when thinking about stepping away. They may worry that leaving means giving up, or feel responsible for staying and trying to help someone change.
It is important to know that stepping away is not the same as abandoning someone. You are not responsible for another person’s behavior, and staying in a harmful situation will not change them. Boundaries and distance can be a way to protect your wellbeing. Real change has to come from the person causing harm, not from the person trying to hold things together.
Change in abusive behavior requires accountability and sustained effort from the person causing harm. It cannot be created or maintained by someone else. Even when someone expresses remorse, change only matters when it is consistent and backed by real action over time.
For partners and family members, this can be confusing. People often try counseling, boundaries, or repeated chances. These responses come from care, but they do not guarantee safety or change. Over time, they can also become emotionally draining, especially when nothing improves.
At RESPOND, we often remind people that support does not mean control. You can care about someone and still accept that you cannot manage their choices.
Letting go of the idea that you can fix someone does not mean you stop caring. It means shifting toward protecting your own wellbeing and supporting safety in ways that do not require self-sacrifice.
For anyone in this situation, choosing yourself is not abandonment. It is often the first step toward stability and healing. You do not have to hold it alone.
Call our Support Line at (617) 623-5900, Monday through Friday, 9 AM–5 PM.
