Domestic violence is often misunderstood. Many believe it happens because of anger, stress, or external factors like substance use. However, at its core, domestic violence is about power and control. The person causing harm seeks to dominate their partner and maintain authority through a range of behaviors and tactics.
A domestic violence relationship is more than just an unhealthy one. In an unhealthy relationship, power may still be shared, even if imperfectly. In a domestic violence relationship, however, one partner is experiencing trauma that limits their freedom, well-being, and human rights—shrinking their world and isolating them.
The Power and Control Wheel
One widely recognized tool for understanding abusive dynamics is the Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. It visually represents the tactics abusers use to maintain control—ranging from intimidation and isolation to economic abuse and coercion. The Wheel highlights that abuse is not an isolated incident, but a pattern of behaviors rooted in the desire to dominate and control.(The Duluth Model, n.d.).
Abusers use a variety of tactics to maintain power and control, including:
- Physical Violence: Hitting, slapping, pushing, punching, strangulation or other acts of physically harming their partner.
- The manipulation or destruction of someone’s medication or preventing them from seeking medical treatment or attention.
- The restriction of basic bodily necessities: hygiene, sustenance.
- Forced body modification.
- Sexual Violence: Forced touching, kissing, oral or penetrative sex, grooming, or any sexual contact by force without informed and enthusiastic consent.
- Withholding privileges or basic needs without acquiescence to sexual acts.
- Forced sexual activity with another person.
- Intentionally transmitting sexually transmitted infections.
- Revenge porn.
- Sexual slavery and sex trafficking.
- Psychological/Narcissistic Abuse: Gaslighting, stalking, isolation, intimidation, manipulation, blame shifting, coercive control, threatening harm, self-harm, or even harm to loved ones to maintain control.
- Sabotaging relationships with family, friends, loved ones.
- Destruction/withholding/manipulation of immigration documents.
- Destruction of personal property or possessions
- Blackmail: Threatening to out a member of the LGBTQSA+ community, or threats to share confidential information under the pretenses of an ultimatum.
- Manipulating children to disbelieve the survivor/using them as pawns in abusive behavior.
- Emotional/Verbal Abuse: Insults, humiliation, belittling and constant criticism to erode the survivor’s self-esteem.
- Hate speech/discriminatory language related to a survivor’s identity.
- Screaming, yelling to incite fear.
- Undermining a survivor to seem less credible in their experience.
- Threats of physical violence.
- Financial Abuse: Restricting access to money, sabotaging employment, or withholding financial support.
- Moving money from a joint account to a separate bank account.
- Credit card fraud/identity theft or creating massive debt in the survivor’s name.
- Giving a survivor an “allowance” they have control over.
- Forbidding a survivor from having their own credit/debit card.
- Preventing a survivor from having employment or intentionally making them lose their employment.
- Technological Abuse: Using technology to stalk, harass, bully, impersonate, or monitor.
- Installing hidden microphones/cameras in the house.
- Screen mirroring and using spyware to monitor device activity.
- Creating accounts under aliases to monitor or stalk on social media.
- Tracking their phone location.
- Forcing a survivor to share passwords and restricting access to personal accounts.
- Using smart home devices to alter the home environment.
Understanding Power and Control Can Help Support Survivors
At RESPOND, we recognize all forms of power and control as abuse. We do not place one form of abuse above another—and we believe abuse can affect anyone, regardless of age, race, gender, or background.
Unfortunately, society often does create a hierarchy of abuse, which can cause survivors to doubt their experiences or delay seeking help.
A harmful myth is that abuse stems from external factors like stress, substance use, or anger. In truth, abuse is a deliberate choice driven by the desire to control. Addressing this root cause—not just the outward behaviors—is key to breaking the cycle of violence.
How RESPOND Helps
At RESPOND, our Community Intervention & Education Program operates from a place of honoring the autonomy and decisions survivors make in their journey, and provides support without judgement. Counselors understand that survivorship journeys and healing are never linear nor binary. Domestic violence is a choiceless experience. Therefore, counselors recognize the importance and gravity of creating a space that empowers survivors, challenges harmful myths, and fosters safety. Through trauma-informed, client-led services, we aim to shift perceptions and deepen understanding of abuse dynamics.
Education Is Prevention
Educating ourselves and others about power and control dynamic is vital for building safer communities where survivors are believed and supported. Education is key to prevention and drives advocacy for accountability and change.
If you or someone you know needs help, please reach out to RESPOND’s Support Line (617) 623-5900 : Available 9AM-5PM, Monday through Friday). We’re here to provide support and resources for anyone affected by domestic violence.
